but she's a preemie...

i've debated writing this post for some time

but

i've always said i'd be an open book

and 

an open book i will be

i'm going to try and streamline this post

but it's a very difficult

post 

and composed of many aspects

so bear with me if i take a left turn somewhere

i promise to try and make some sense

let me precede this post with this thought

i was never diagnosed with 
{post partum depression}

nor do i think i had it

and i don't want to make light of it

post partum depression is a very serious illness

and 

those who think they are suffering from it should seek medical attention

before i ever had emerson

a good friend warned me about 

"baby blues"

she explained they last about two weeks 

and

you cry for no reason at all

it's just hormones getting adjusted

this was the best pregnancy advice i received

i didn't realize it at the time 

but 

when the "baby blues" hit me

i was so thankful i knew what was going on with my self

emerson was 7 weeks early

some may say

"that's not that premature"

(in fact i have been told that)

but

to those i respond

"whether she was one week early or 10 weeks she spent time in the nicu which was the scariest part of her birth"

then the follow up appointments occur

and with each appointment

i am reminded by some medial professional

"well remember she is premature"

a part of me wants to yell 

"um yea i know i was there"

but i bite my tongue

and just nod

and because she was premature

you are informed of all the risks she is subjected to

like developmental delays

cognitive delays

etc

and at aviano

they send a physical therapist out

once a month

to make sure your premature baby

is 

developing normally

for me 

that means once a month

i am reminded that i failed to carry full term

there is certain guilt that comes with a premature baby

(at least i experienced a guilt)

my only job

was to carry this wonderful creature for 40 weeks

(or at least 36)

and i felt like a failure

and when you are reminded of it constantly

you can't help but feel the guilt over and over and over again

and i can't speak for parents of term babies

maybe they experience a guilt as well

when something goes wrong

or the doc observes something abnormal

but for me

even the simplest thing as a weight check

became a guilt fest 

even though she's gaining so well

so for those who are pregnant 

i warn you about baby blues

and 

if/when you find yourself crying 

because you still can't eat gelato

(yes i cried because gelato still made me sick)

or

your husband didn't put the trash bag in the trash can just the right way

know that this too shall pass

also

for those who have preemies 

or babies in the nicu 

hang in there

talk to someone about any guilt you have

try to find a support system with other parents in the nicu

we did

even though it was an italian hospital 

there were two other american families

so we had a nice support system

and

love on your baby!

me lovin' on my baby!!

what's that on her face?!?!?: a lesson in infant dermatology

there isn't a day that goes by

that someone doesn't ask

"what's that on her face?"

a part of me wants to reply

"what on her face? i don't see anything"

then the nice person

the not rude person

wants to take the opportunity to educate

and inform

the questioning person 

of her birthmark

known as a hemangioma

hemangiomas

are birthmarks

that are more likely 

to occur in

caucasian

females

who are premature

hello emerson!

at birth they usually aren't visible

but about 2-4 weeks after birth they become apparent

which in her case

we thought it was from the tape of the ng tube

but within a week or so after that it became bigger

and a week after that even bigger

and today it's even bigger

(happy two months sweetie!!!)

but they

tell me this is normal

and that the birthmark will go away on its own

however

there are 

treatments

ranging from

beta blockers

laser surgery

and 

surgical removal

because her spot

is 

ulcerated

and

close to her eye

more than likely we will treat it 

we meet with the dermatologist

this week

to determine a treatment plan

but

her spot will

most likely

go away

with or without treatment

so there is your lesson in infant dermatology!

happy monday

and

happy 2 months to our sweet emmi!

do you breast feed?????

welcome to aviano!

oh you have a baby!

so do you breast feed??

it's a question i have encountered

more than

"how old is your baby"

here at aviano

your nursing cover 

is more in style

than a louis vuitton bag

step one

get a really cool nursing cover

thanks mimi!

step two

have a baby 

(maybe this should be step one but the nursing cover is just really a cool accessory!)

got the baby

isn't she a doll???

now bring out the boob!!!

wait!

my baby is a preemie!

wait!

the nicu wouldn't let me breast feed

oh no!!!!

maybe i can just wear the really cool nursing cover and hide her underneath

maybe no one will notice

but here at aviano

where breast feeding is the standard

that just won't happen

the lactation consultant

swarms in on me

and

waves her wand!

don't get me wrong

i love my consultant!

she's awesome

she goes above and beyond 

what i would do

and 

she never gave up on me

offering different ideas

suggestions

and 

did i mention she breastfed her adopted child!!

yes her adopted child

so i figure if she can do it

so can i!

problem number one:

baby screams at breast...

oh no..

enter laction consultant with wand in hand and

poof!

i can proudly say 

that although it took two weeks

two very long weeks

my baby no longer screams at the breast

success number one!

problem number two:

i don't have enough milk

geeze!

this breast feeding thing can be tiresome

here comes the lactation consultant with her wand!!

and 

domperidone

 fenugreek

and 

the pump

now

enter a regimented feeding plan

breast,

pump,

bottle

repeat

breast,

pump,

 bottle,

repeat.....

maybe one day we will eliminate the bottle 

but for now

it works

my baby is growing like a weed

impressing the docs with her growth

and

i can proudly answer

yes i breast feed

it wasn't easy getting to this answer

i know we aren't at a whole hearted yes

and some people would argue i'm not breast feeding 

because she still gets a bottle

but to those negative nancy's

i say hush!

there have been moments

where i wanted to give up

but

with the support of my husband

my mimi

my lactation consultant

and

fellow moms here at aviano

and back in oklahoma

emerson and i 

can be in style here 

at aviano

wearing a really cool nursing cover!