Monday, April 30, 2012

but she's a preemie...

i've debated writing this post for some time
i've always said i'd be an open book
an open book i will be
i'm going to try and streamline this post
but it's a very difficult
and composed of many aspects
so bear with me if i take a left turn somewhere
i promise to try and make some sense

let me precede this post with this thought
i was never diagnosed with 
{post partum depression}
nor do i think i had it
and i don't want to make light of it
post partum depression is a very serious illness
those who think they are suffering from it should seek medical attention

before i ever had emerson
a good friend warned me about 
"baby blues"
she explained they last about two weeks 
you cry for no reason at all
it's just hormones getting adjusted

this was the best pregnancy advice i received
i didn't realize it at the time 
when the "baby blues" hit me
i was so thankful i knew what was going on with my self

emerson was 7 weeks early
some may say
"that's not that premature"
(in fact i have been told that)
to those i respond
"whether she was one week early or 10 weeks she spent time in the nicu which was the scariest part of her birth"

then the follow up appointments occur
and with each appointment
i am reminded by some medial professional
"well remember she is premature"
a part of me wants to yell 
"um yea i know i was there"
but i bite my tongue
and just nod
and because she was premature
you are informed of all the risks she is subjected to
like developmental delays
cognitive delays
and at aviano
they send a physical therapist out
once a month
to make sure your premature baby
developing normally
for me 
that means once a month
i am reminded that i failed to carry full term

there is certain guilt that comes with a premature baby
(at least i experienced a guilt)
my only job
was to carry this wonderful creature for 40 weeks
(or at least 36)
and i felt like a failure
and when you are reminded of it constantly
you can't help but feel the guilt over and over and over again

and i can't speak for parents of term babies
maybe they experience a guilt as well
when something goes wrong
or the doc observes something abnormal
but for me
even the simplest thing as a weight check
became a guilt fest 
even though she's gaining so well

so for those who are pregnant 
i warn you about baby blues
if/when you find yourself crying 
because you still can't eat gelato
(yes i cried because gelato still made me sick)
your husband didn't put the trash bag in the trash can just the right way
know that this too shall pass

for those who have preemies 
or babies in the nicu 
hang in there
talk to someone about any guilt you have
try to find a support system with other parents in the nicu
we did
even though it was an italian hospital 
there were two other american families
so we had a nice support system
love on your baby!
me lovin' on my baby!!


  1. Becca you are so sweet and put this in the simplest terms and the most respectful nature. Great job!

  2. Trust me when I say that I think all moms (read: parents) go through this too. Guilt worries me so much some times. But I am sure you have seen some of those days out of me. ;)