but she's a preemie...

i've debated writing this post for some time

but

i've always said i'd be an open book

and 

an open book i will be

i'm going to try and streamline this post

but it's a very difficult

post 

and composed of many aspects

so bear with me if i take a left turn somewhere

i promise to try and make some sense

let me precede this post with this thought

i was never diagnosed with 
{post partum depression}

nor do i think i had it

and i don't want to make light of it

post partum depression is a very serious illness

and 

those who think they are suffering from it should seek medical attention

before i ever had emerson

a good friend warned me about 

"baby blues"

she explained they last about two weeks 

and

you cry for no reason at all

it's just hormones getting adjusted

this was the best pregnancy advice i received

i didn't realize it at the time 

but 

when the "baby blues" hit me

i was so thankful i knew what was going on with my self

emerson was 7 weeks early

some may say

"that's not that premature"

(in fact i have been told that)

but

to those i respond

"whether she was one week early or 10 weeks she spent time in the nicu which was the scariest part of her birth"

then the follow up appointments occur

and with each appointment

i am reminded by some medial professional

"well remember she is premature"

a part of me wants to yell 

"um yea i know i was there"

but i bite my tongue

and just nod

and because she was premature

you are informed of all the risks she is subjected to

like developmental delays

cognitive delays

etc

and at aviano

they send a physical therapist out

once a month

to make sure your premature baby

is 

developing normally

for me 

that means once a month

i am reminded that i failed to carry full term

there is certain guilt that comes with a premature baby

(at least i experienced a guilt)

my only job

was to carry this wonderful creature for 40 weeks

(or at least 36)

and i felt like a failure

and when you are reminded of it constantly

you can't help but feel the guilt over and over and over again

and i can't speak for parents of term babies

maybe they experience a guilt as well

when something goes wrong

or the doc observes something abnormal

but for me

even the simplest thing as a weight check

became a guilt fest 

even though she's gaining so well

so for those who are pregnant 

i warn you about baby blues

and 

if/when you find yourself crying 

because you still can't eat gelato

(yes i cried because gelato still made me sick)

or

your husband didn't put the trash bag in the trash can just the right way

know that this too shall pass

also

for those who have preemies 

or babies in the nicu 

hang in there

talk to someone about any guilt you have

try to find a support system with other parents in the nicu

we did

even though it was an italian hospital 

there were two other american families

so we had a nice support system

and

love on your baby!

me lovin' on my baby!!